


John Doe Series

by PattRose



Category: John Doe - Fandom, The Sentinel
Genre: AU, Angst, Crossover, Humor, M/M, Non Consensual, Out of Character
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-07-16
Updated: 2013-07-16
Packaged: 2017-12-20 08:56:01
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 20,926
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/885391
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PattRose/pseuds/PattRose
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>John Doe only sees things in black and white, until he meets Jim Ellison from Cascade, Washington.  Suddenly he's able to see color again for a short time.  Are they destined to become friends?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Doe, John Doe

_Black and white, light so intense that it hurts the eyes, and the cold._

_These are John Doe's first memories of his life. How would you feel if you didn't remember anything about yourself (and yet would know everything else)?_

_John knows everything, I mean, everything, from how many taxis there are in the Stockholm area to the population of China in the year 1900. John's mission is to find out if he's an alien, or the participant of some secret government test, or something else._

 

Doe, John Doe  
By Patt 

John stood next to the computer at the police station and called out to his friend, "Frank, did you know that we have a new guest?" 

"Yup, Detective Jim Ellison, just brought him from Cascade. He'll stay the two days for the hearing and then leave." Frank Hayes was his best friend and co-worker. 

"Frank, Detective Ellison is almost ready if you and John would take him to get a hotel room," Lt. Jamie Avery said. 

"Sure, that's fine," Frank said as they got closer to the doorway. Then John stopped dead in his tracks. He normally could only see black and white, but yet, this man in front of him was in color. 

Detective Jim Ellison looked up and took two steps back. "What the fuck?" 

"Ellison, what's wrong?" Frank asked. 

John walked closer to Jim and Jim yelled out, "Stay the fuck away from me." And just like that he passed out. 

Avery walked up to John and said, "Do you know this man?" 

"No, but he's in color," John said softly so no one else would hear. 

"Should we call an ambulance?" Frank asked. 

John looked at the man lying on the floor and noticed his eyes were wide open. Almost like he was having a zone out. "Can we take him to my place? I have the spare room." 

"But John, he didn't want you to come close to him," Avery said. 

"Frank could be there, too. That would make him calmer. What if he saw something on me? What if he's an answer to my past?" John was pleading by this time. 

"Lieutenant, why don't you let me help Doe take him to his apartment and we'll see what happens?" Frank hoped she would let this slide by. 

"Frank, what if he's ill? We can't send him home without being checked out by a doctor," the woman stated clearly. 

"Lieutenant, I promise I'll see to his every need. You know that I know a lot about medical treatment. I need to check this out further." John wasn't above begging. 

The two men carried him out to John's car and they took him to John's apartment. Once they got him upstairs and in the spare room, Frank said, "I'm going to see if he's got a contact number." 

"Good thinking, Frank." 

Frank found Blair's cell phone number and dialed it. 

"Sandburg." 

"Detective Sandburg?" 

"Yes. Who is this?" Blair could see it was from Jim's phone. 

"I'm a Detective in Seattle, my name is Frank Hayes. Detective Ellison passed out with his eyes open and we're hoping that you might know what to do." 

"Frank, who is with him right now?" 

"His name is John. Would you like to speak to him?" Frank handed the phone over when Blair told him yes. 

"Hello?" 

"John, what is he doing right now?" Blair asked quickly and quietly. 

"He's barely breathing. Tell me what to do." 

"Rub his face softly and put the phone up to his ear so I can speak to him. He'll wake up that way." 

John did just what Blair said and sure enough Jim woke up but he was scared of John. Jim took hold of the phone and said, "Chief, please come and get me?" 

"I'm coming right away. Now let me talk to John again." Blair missed him already. 

Jim handed the phone back to John. 

"Yes?" 

"John, he seems to be nervous about being with you. Is there anyone else there?" 

"Yes, Blair. I've got my friend here. You talked to him," John answered. 

"I'll be there in about two hours, tops. In the meantime, please don't be alone with him. Now," Blair said firmly, "where are you?" 

~~~~~ 

John walked into the bedroom with a tray of food and Jim moved away from him. 

"Tell me why I'm scaring you, Jim," John asked. 

"I'm not scared of you," Jim growled. 

"Yes, Jim, you are." And then John went off in long lecture about what causes people to be scared and what doesn't. Also what signs they show to others that they are. 

Jim stared at him and realized the man hardly took a breath. This man was faster than Blair, which Jim never thought he would admit to. 

"I saw that on the Learning Channel. Do you watch?" John asked as he got close enough to give the tray to Jim. 

"No, not usually. But my roommate does. He watches anything that will stimulate his brain. I'm not complaining, mind you." Jim started eating and realized he was almost getting used to seeing this guy without color. 

"Why are you staring at me, Jim?" 

"Because you're black and white. You have no color at all. It's like something from the twilight zone. The old Twilight Zone," Jim said, finishing his lunch. 

"Jim, I only see black and white. But you're in color. Don't you find that odd?" John hoped that Jim would see it might be important. 

For the next two and a half hours Jim and John talked about Jim's life growing up. They had nothing in common. Or that John could remember anyhow. Then Jim talked about his time in the service, Peru and the police department. When he looked up, John was in color, and had tears running down his face. 

"What's the matter?" Jim asked simply. 

"You're black and white again. It was just a weird coincidence," John said sadly. 

"It might have been my senses being out of whack." Jim was trying to make him feel better. 

"You're a Sentinel, then?" 

"How do you know that?" Jim was alarmed. 

"I've read all of Sir Richard Burton's work. And when I saw how you reacted today, I knew you were a Sentinel." John then started to tell him all he had learned about Sentinels. 

When Blair arrived, Jim and John were talking like mad. He turned to Frank and said, "Blair Sandburg. I take it they're getting along?" 

"Good to meet you, Blair. I'll break this up. They've been at it for hours." Frank got them both and they walked out of the room. 

John looked at Blair and he was in color. "Blair, do you see me in color?" 

"Trick question? Yes, I see you in color. Hi, Jim." 

Jim leaned down and kissed him, figuring he didn't have to hide it here. No one knew them. 

Jim turned to John and said, "Are you seeing him in color?" 

"Yes, I am. But it's already fading," John again said sadly. 

"He's my guide, so that might be what it is," Jim offered. 

For the next four hours, Frank, John and Jim explained everything to Blair. When they were done, Blair said, "Jim, we've got a week off, so why not stay here and we'll do some studies with John." 

Everyone agreed that it was a perfect idea. Jim and John were becoming good friends, while Blair and Frank discussed how it was to be the sidekick. 

Both John and Jim said at exactly the same moment, "Very funny." 

"They even talk at the same time," Blair teased. 

Jim was afraid he wouldn't be able to help John find out anything about his past, but was sure John's future would include Jim and Blair. 

Sometimes you didn't always get what you wanted in life, but at least most of them knew where they came from. Jim vowed to try and help whenever he could. John needed to know where he came from and who he was. 

He heard John say, "I get so tired sometimes. They all say, what's your name? I answer, it's Doe, John Doe, and they crack up laughing. If only it were a joke." 

Yes, he was going to do whatever he could. This man deserved a real name. And on top of everything else, he deserved good friends to help him find his way. 

The End.


	2. You Gotta Have Friends

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jim and Blair angst alert!

You Gotta Have Friends!   
by Patt

~~~~~ 

Warnings: Rape implied. **This is AU Major Crime**. This is **NOT YOUR** Major Crime. 

~~~~~ 

This story is a sequel to Doe, John Doe, but doesn't have to be read to understand and enjoy this one. 

John's mission is to find out if he's an alien, the participant of some secret government test or something else. 

He's a consultant for SPD. His current solve rate is 96%. 

His best friends are Digger and Frank. He's also friends with Lieutenant Jaime Avery. Frank is a fellow policeman and Digger owns a bar where John constantly shows everyone that he can't seem to lose at pool or darts. 

John met Jim and Blair on a former case and they have been good friends ever since. Jim and Blair continue to help John try to find out anything about his past. 

{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{} 

Driving home from Seattle, Jim was in a state of panic. He didn't know what to do or say. No, he did know what he had to do. But he knew that Blair would leave him as soon as he told him. 

He could see his sweet man right now as he fell apart. Jim closed his eyes for a moment to get rid of the horrible sight. He had to practice telling him. It was as simple as that. 

"Chief, I'm so sorry. I was so drunk I didn't remember what the hell I was doing and I allowed someone to fuck me." Jim wondered how that one would work. No, that wouldn't do. 

"I don't know what happened, Blair. I truly don't. But when I woke up, I knew I'd been with someone." Jim realized it wouldn't matter what he said. Blair would leave and hate him. 

The drive to Cascade seemed to take forever. When he arrived, he needed to stop at the station and see if Dan Wolfe was there. He needed some tests done. He walked into the station and went downstairs and found Dan right off. 

"Dan, I need you to run some tests and take some pictures. It has to be between you and me." Jim knew he sounded desperate. 

"Okay. Let me lock the door and we'll get started. I take it you were raped?" Dan asked gently. 

"Yes, but they might have drugged me, I don't know. I know that I had too much to drink last night, so it might have been just being drunk." Jim stripped off his clothes and Dan got his instruments and the camera. 

He took pictures of all of the bruises that were left on Jim's body. Dan couldn't believe the number of bites that marred Jim's chest, back and thighs. Once that was done, he took some pictures of Jim's anal area. Then he began the exam. "Jim, you've got some major tears here, I'm going to have to stitch you up. Whoever did this was either wearing a condom or they were using a dildo. Hopefully, you'll be lucky enough to have no semen in your anus." 

Dan drew blood for the STD tests and also the HIV tests and to see if Jim had been drugged. Dan thought he might have been. He did many swabs for the DNA samples. 

Once he was done with the whole procedure, he said, "Jim, you know you've been raped. We need to report it. I've filled out the form right here and here are all of the pictures." 

"Dan, I can't. I can't tell anyone." 

"Well, there was no semen. I did some tests for any other diseases. I'll let you know about them," Dan said as he helped Jim get up off the table. 

"Thank you, Dan. I didn't know what to do." 

"You know you can always come to me. Blair will help you talk this through. You wait and see." 

Once Jim was dressed, he left and headed for home. When he drove up in front of the loft, he sat out in the truck for about two hours. _Face it, Ellison. You're a chicken shit. You don't have enough nerve to go up there and tell him the truth right now._

Jim got out of the truck and slammed the door. He climbed the stairs slowly and sadly. This day would change his entire life. Blair's too. 

He walked through the front door and Blair was standing there, his face lit up with a broad smile. "Man, I missed you." Then he tried to jump into Jim's arms but Jim didn't let him get close. 

Blair could tell by the look on Jim's face that something was terribly wrong. He just didn't know how bad it was. 

()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()() 

When John Doe arrived home from the station that night, he listened to his messages and didn't really expect anything worth listening to. 

At the sound of the tone, leave your message and I'll get back with you. Beep. 

"John? This is Blair. I need to talk to you. It's really important. Please call me back at Cascade Towers, room 239. The number is 555-9990. Thanks." 

John could tell from the sound of Blair's voice that he was terribly upset. What could be wrong? He dialed the phone before he even took his jacket off. 

"John?" 

"Blair, what's wrong? Why are you at a hotel?" 

"Jim and I broke up. I really don't want to talk about that right now. What I want to know is if you would mind me staying with you for a short time. I'll find a job as soon as possible." Blair had never sounded more heartbroken. 

"Blair, you know that you love Jim. Talk to me." John wasn't going to give up until he got the whole story. 

"I used to believe in big time romance, but not any more.” Blair sounded almost cold when he replied. 

"Blair, did you know that romance novels are more popular than ever. Fifty-three percent of all mass market paperback books sold in this country are romances. Romance novels earn more money in the USA yearly than baseball! So, why do you think this is?" 

"John, what the hell does that mean? I really don't want to hear trivia right now. Sometimes people just fall out of love. You've heard of that, right?" 

"Perhaps you're tired of him, Blair. The word honeymoon first appeared in the 16th century. 'Honey' is a reference to the sweetness of a new marriage and 'moon' is a bitter acknowledgment that this sweetness, like a full moon, would quickly fade. This could be happening to you." 

"Remind me again why I want to stay with you?" Blair wondered aloud. 

"Because you love me. And we both love the Discovery, History and Learning Channels," John answered sweetly with a chuckle. 

"So, do you still have room for me in Seattle?" Blair was not above begging. 

"Did you know Seattle is home to the first revolving restaurant in 1961? If you're a good boy, I'll take you and show you where it is." John laughed aloud at Blair's sigh. "I can hear you rolling those eyes, Sandburg." 

"I'll drive in tomorrow, if that's all right." 

"That's fine. I'd like to show you some things anyway. Washington is a great state. Did you know that the highest point in Washington is Mount Rainier? It was named after Peter Rainier, a British soldier, who fought against the Americans in the Revolutionary War." John had wandered into the spare room and began cleaning it up while he talked. 

"John, I don't know if I can take this talking all the time." This was coming from a man that talked non-stop also. 

"I'm sorry. I'll try and get a handle on it. I'm just nervous. I don't know how to handle you and Jim not being together." John was sad now. 

"I'll see you tomorrow and talk to you then." Blair hung up so he could get some sleep. 

John dialed Jim's number and heard, "Ellison." 

"Jim, how are you?" 

"Who is this?" Jim sounded drunk. 

"It's John. John Doe." 

"Hey, buddy. I'm fine, how are you?" 

"I'm doing well, Jim. But I was wondering if you're having some problems over there." John was hoping Jim would just tell him. 

"Blair called you?" 

"Yeah, he's moving here and looking for work. He'll be here if you need him for anything." John could hear Jim breathing very hard in the background. 

"Thanks for helping him out. He said he had nowhere to go," Jim whispered. "Chances are he's not ever going to need me again." 

"Jim, why would he have to go anywhere? Why would he leave you?" 

"I let someone else fuck me and he won't forgive me." Jim didn't sound like Jim at all. 

"Jim, did you know that more than half the American men surveyed admit to having sex with someone they didn't even like?" John thought this might help. 

"John, I know you're trying to help, but that didn't." 

"We'll just talk then. I read the most interesting facts today and wanted to share it. Did you know that the condom-made originally of linen-was invented in the early 1500's? I found this very odd. Who would have thought they were thinking about safe sex back then, right? Speaking of safe sex, you were, right? Safe, I mean?" 

"I don't know." 

"What do you mean you don't know?" Now John was paying attention. 

"I was drunk and I don't remember. But I know that someone fucked me. I know the feeling. In fact, I was hurting like hell." Jim was getting angry. 

"Do you think you know who it was?" John asked quietly. 

"Yes." 

"Who?" John had to get some answers in order to help Blair. 

"At first I thought it was Brian Rafe. You met him when you came here the last time. We were at a conference in Seattle." 

"You were here and didn't come and see me?" John couldn't believe it. 

"We were only there for one night. Then I was going to call you but I woke up and knew I had been fucked and had to go home. During the drive home, I realized I was royally fucked." 

"So what did this Rafe say about it?" John couldn't believe that Blair or Jim weren't kicking Rafe's ass. 

"I asked him about it and he said he saw me with someone else." 

"Did you get some samples, Jim?" 

"Yes, and they're running them now. I'll know soon if it was him or not." 

"Did you get tested?" 

"Yes." Jim sounded so tired all of a sudden. 

"Have you been sleeping?" 

"No, I can't sleep without Blair's voice." Jim again sounded sad and tired. 

"How about if I talk to you for awhile. I've been told by my partner that I could put anyone to sleep." John smiled thinking of Frank. 

"How is Frank?" 

"He's good. I'll tell him you said hello. He'll be glad to see Blair." John loved his partner and friend. 

"I miss Blair." 

"That's because you're suffering from the termination of a contractual relationship. It takes time." John hoped that would help. 

John could hear Jim clear his throat and then say, "I should go." 

"Jim, do you think that you and Blair had an attraction based on sexual desire, affection and tenderness felt by lovers or affection based on admiration, benevolence, or common interests?" 

"Both. We started out with the latter and ended up in love. Well, I thought I was in love." Jim was talking so John hoped Jim would continue to open up. 

"Jim, do you think that anyone could talk you into going along with a seduction where you are led to persuade yourself to be disloyal to Blair?" 

"If I understand what you're trying to say, I guess so." 

"No, not I guess so. Jim, you either did or didn't. Now think back. Do you think that someone was able to administer a drug to your food or drink without your knowledge? Would it have lulled or stupefied your actions?" 

"Yes, it would have. I don't remember that night at all." 

"Jim, maybe there is more going on then you're seeing. Perhaps someone tried to set this up, knowing you would tell Blair." 

"Why? Why would someone do that, John?" Jim was honestly confused. 

"Because they hate gay men in the police world. What about this Rafe?" John was being more of a scientist now. 

"He's not gay but he's never said anything to me to show he's against us, either." Jim replied. 

"You went to see a doctor, right?" 

"Yes, I went to my friend, Dan Wolfe, and he said there was no semen, so whoever it was used a condom. But I was torn in quite a few places and there was bruising. He said I was raped." Now Jim really did sound upset. 

"Did you tell Blair this?" 

"No, and you can't either. He deserves to be with someone that can make him happy and isn't pulling him down because he's damaged." 

"Happiness comes from the word, obsolete, which means, good fortune. But it could also be a state of well being and contentment. But I think in your and Blair's case, it was a pleasurable and satisfying experience every moment." John waited to hear what Jim said now. 

"You can't tell him. I mean it. I'm not even going to try and figure out what you just said to me." Jim sounded lost. 

"Goodnight, Jim. Sleep well. Know I'm here if you need me." 

"Thank you, John. You're a good friend. Goodnight." Jim hung up the phone. 

Jim looked around the loft and found himself shaking. There was no way that Blair could find out that he was damaged goods. He also couldn't let Blair know how weak he was. That's why he had to let his lover go. There was no choice in the matter. 

{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}

John called Frank and told him what had happened with Jim. 

"John, would you like me to come over?" 

"Solitude comes from the Middle English and from Latin solitarius, from solitas, meaning aloneness. And I, for one, am tired of being alone. I need companions and to stop shutting myself up in the apartment. Thank you." 

John was blessed with great friends. 

John then called Digger and asked him to come over. As always, Digger could never turn John down. Numerous people at the station told John that Digger had a crush on him. John smiled at the thought. He couldn't imagine. John wasn't certain of what he thought about Digger taking up a bisexual lifestyle. Many bisexuals feel they have a "preference" for one gender over another, but they do not deny their attraction for that other gender. That would be the case with Digger. John did find him attractive, he just wasn't sure. Some bisexuals, however, have no such preference, and instead focus their attractions on qualities they see in an individual, regardless of that person's gender. Sometimes those qualities involve gender, sometimes not. He wondered if this was written about Blair. He had to be the most open person in the world. 

When the two men got there, they all sat down and discussed what might have happened to Jim. 

Digger looked over at John and said, "You don't know him all that well, John. What if he's making it up? Maybe he just wanted to fuck around on Blair." 

"I would never believe that. He adores Blair. You saw them together. I just can't believe that." Where was the brain power when you needed it? 

"John, I'm going to do some checking in the Cascade PD and see if there are any other cases like this one." Frank came up with the first good idea all night. 

Both Digger and John said, "DUH." 

"That's why I get paid more, John," Frank laughed. 

Two hours later they left and John felt somewhat better about the whole thing. Now to get some sleep before Blair got there. 

John barely fell asleep and the phone rang. "Doe." 

"John, this is Digger. What about this for an idea? What if this Rafe person doesn't like what Jim and Blair have done to the work place, so he drugs him and uses a big dildo to rape him. He knows that Jim, being the kind of man he is, would go back and tell Blair. Then he's helped rid the station of the fags. What do you think?" 

"I think it sounds like it could work. I think it's scary to think this could go on at a station house. I'm going to call Jim tomorrow." John's mind was already working overtime. 

"John, call him now and tell him he needs to file a report. It's important. If the assault remains untreated there can be more complicated long term effects, such as being victimized in other relationships, in other words, leaving himself open to be abused, severe depression, panic disorder, eating disorders - anorexia or bulimia,body image issues, compulsive exercising, addiction, flashbacks, post-traumatic stress disorder, or feeling suicidal " 

"Oh my god, I never thought about all of that. You sounded just like me for a minute. Thanks, Digger. I'll call him now. Goodnight." John hung up and then dialed Jim's number right away. 

"Ellison." 

"Jim, this is John." 

"Hey, what are you doing up this late?" 

"Digger just called with an idea and I wanted to run it by you. I talked to him tonight. I needed a friend and he listened. Please don't be mad." So then John told him everything Digger thought and advised for Jim to do in the morning. 

"I can't file rape charges. I don't have a suspect," Jim tried to explain. 

"Jim, file it. You don't have to have a suspect and you know it. Find out what this person will do next." John was almost as good as Blair at bossing Jim. 

"I'll file it in the morning. Tell Digger I said hey. And thank you to all of you." Jim hung the phone up and realized he wasn't sure where he would go from here. 

Jim started talking to himself as he walked. "Who are you kidding? You won't file a report because you don't want anyone to know. You don't want Blair back because he would feel sorry for you. No, there is nothing to do but work and come home everyday. You're a fucking man, Ellison. This doesn't happen to men." 

A very sad and dejected Jim Ellison walked up the stairs to go to bed. 

{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{} 

Jim knocked on his boss's door, the fooling morning. 

"Come in, Ellison." 

"Sir, I need to report a rape and I know who did it." Jim said quietly. 

"I hope this isn't about you. Because if you think they make fun of you now, just let them get a load of that news. You'll never be able to live down the faggot image. And just who do you think did it? Think about it. I strongly recommend you don't file a report." Simon almost growled as he spoke. 

"It was Rafe, sir, but there is no need now. I won't be filing one." Jim walked out sadder than he was when he went in. And to think he had believed his life couldn't get any worse. Shows what he knew. 

He walked out and sat at his desk and tried to keep his mind on work. It would be the only thing that would keep him from going crazy. He was so fucking lonely and he missed Blair so much. 

{} {} {} {} {} {} {} {} {} {} {} {} {} {} {} {} {} {} {} {} 

Blair pulled up in front of John's place and got out his suitcase and some boxes. He lugged everything up to the door and rang the doorbell. 

"Blair, come on in." Digger pulled him inside, lifting everything that Blair had set down. 

"Hi, Digger. It's really good to see you." Blair hugged him quickly and looked around. 

"Oh don't worry, he'll be back. The station called. New case. I'm supposed to tell you that Lieutenant Avery wants to see you tomorrow about a job." Digger led the way to Blair's room. 

"At the police department?" 

"Well, yeah. You're a cop and Jaime needs a new cop on her watch. So I guess you'll be it." Digger smiled and hugged Blair again. 

"He told you, didn't he?" Blair asked him softly. 

"He tells me everything, Blair. You know that. We have no secrets. It's like that with best friends." 

"I swear you're like an old married couple," Blair teased. 

"Yeah, I know. But he's stuck with me, as I am with him. Friends are for life." Digger had to add that. 

"Well, sometimes, it doesn't always work like that." 

"It should. Especially if the other person had something horrible happen to him and doesn't want to tell you about it." Digger knew he was going to be in big trouble. 

"What are you talking about, Digger?" 

"In general. I don't mean you. Talk to John about it when he gets back. Look at all he's been through." Digger made some lunch and didn't like the quiet. "So, any new facts to make me crazy? I'm missing John." 

"Did you know, a pig's orgasm lasts for 30 minutes? In my next life I want to be a pig!" Blair was enthused about this news. 

Digger choked on his food and his drink came snorting out his nose. 

"Now how do you suppose they figured out exactly how long this lasted? Do you suppose some guy had to shove his dick into the pig to see how long it spasms? Hey, this is stuff I think about sometimes. I can't help it." 

"You could help it if you wanted to. You like thinking about things like this." Now it was Digger's turn to tease. 

"And why do we wait until a pig is dead, to 'cure' it? Do you believe that anyone would want to eat pork after they heard about those wonderful orgasms? Show a little respect, admiration and plain old-fashioned jealousy. Boycott pork." 

Digger was sitting with his mouth hanging open, knowing he had lost the battle before it even started. 

Blair asked, "Did you know a cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death?" 

Digger made a face and said, "Blair, that's gross." 

Blair answered, "Once again, I'm wondering who the hell wandered around following this poor sick, headless bug and waited for it to finally starve to death? And how do they know it was starvation? Maybe it was suicide." 

"I never know what you're going to say. It's worse than being around John. At least he just spouts facts. You spout things that make me snort juice out my nose." Digger was still laughing. 

Blair said, "Why is it called a hamburger when it's made out of beef? I wonder if there really is beef in a hamburger at all, or if it is just fillers. Or maybe it could be from all the heads of the damn cockroaches that I told you about. Oh sorry, man, I didn't mean to make you throw up. You're an adult; I figured you could take anything. Who knew? Here's a paper towel, wipe your mouth off, you big wuss." 

"I'm going to wuss you. That was worse than gross." Digger did indeed wipe off his mouth. 

Blair laughed at him and said, "Okay, Digger, vote on this one, some lions mate over 50 times a day. In my next life I still want to be a pig...quality over quantity! What do you think?" 

"I'm thinking I like the lion one. I would love to get it up 50 times a day." Digger was getting into this. 

Blair added, "Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure. What about the pig? Not to mention the damn lion. Holy shit! 50 times a day? You have to say it is for pleasure. I mean, no damn lion is going to do it 50 times just because something in nature says do it. Right? I mean he is the king of the jungle; he wouldn't do it just because. I believe it is probably a good time for him and the pig. Holy shit, maybe we should get the two of them together." 

Blair seemed almost frantic and Digger was getting worried. "Blair, are you all right?" 

"No. I'll never be all right again." He walked into the spare room and lay on the bed. 

Finally after two hours, John walked in and Digger said, "He's in a bad way." 

John walked into the room and lay next to Blair. He began to rub his back and said, "Want to talk about it?" 

"Not right now. I just want to lie here and think." 

"Do you think you're up to an interview with Lieutenant Avery tomorrow?" John asked as he stood and walked to the door. 

"Yes, I need a job. I'm so grateful she's giving me a chance." 

"What would you like for dinner?" 

"Doesn't matter." 

John realized it didn't. There was nothing he could say or do to help Blair. Blair had to help himself. John just hoped that someone was helping Jim. 

John went into the kitchen to start dinner and Digger joined him. John decided to talk to him about how they felt about each other. 

"Digger, I've been having some odd feelings lately. I used to feel like we were just good friends, very familiar. But now I'm having thoughts of an intimate nature and wanted to get your input on this. What do you think? Have we moved in another direction?" 

"Leave it to you, John, to make this easy for me. Yes, I do believe that our friendship has changed. I would have kept it the way it was, so that wasn't a problem for me. I want to move to the intimate nature one, too. I've been in love with you for a long time." The former Black Ops man was a nervous wreck. 

"You love me?" John was shocked. 

"Why does this surprise you?" 

"I don't even know who I am, D. What happens if we find out I'm someone you don't want to know?" John was the nervous one now. 

"One day at a time, John." 

"AA is the most popular mutual help recovery group in the U.S. and has a worldwide presence. Designed to help the alcoholic stay sober "one day at a time," it is a non- religious but highly spiritual mutual-help program; it requires of its members only "a desire to stop drinking. Were you ever in it? I love that slogan." 

"No. I own a bar, John. Did you forget?" Both men laughed at John actually being wrong for once. 

"So where do we go from here, D?" 

"How about we date?" 

"Date? As in dinner and dancing?" John smiled. 

"How about dinner and a movie? I'm a lousy dancer." Digger began to help John fix dinner. They looked like Jim and Blair in the kitchen. Working side by side, knowing what the other one was doing at all times. It was a nice feeling. One that they knew Blair would be missing soon enough. 

"Could this count as our first date?" John asked blushing. 

"Sure, why not?" 

John pulled Digger closer to him and held him close as he began to kiss him. 

John found out that Digger was one hell of a kisser and they kept it up for a good long time. 

Digger looked at John and said, "Consider me moved in." 

"Sounds good to me. I love you," John whispered as they began to kiss again. 

"Why do I always pick the tall ones?" Digger asked rubbing his neck as if he was in pain. 

"Hey, I feel the same way about short shits," John laughed. 

"I'm not short. I'm 5' 11". That's considered normal," Digger explained. 

"And who said this? A bunch of 5' 11" guys?" Again John teased and loved the smile that came to Digger's mouth. 

"Let's go back to the kissing part," Digger suggested. 

Blair walked into the kitchen and said, "Geeze, I leave for a couple of hours and you both turn into homos." 

"I find it amazing that kissing Digger isn't any different than kissing anyone else," John said, clearly stumped. 

"Well, thanks a lot." 

"That came out wrong. I mean, I thought it would feel odd kissing a man, but it wasn't at all. It was very nice. You have a great mouth, D." 

"Thanks, John. Now you want to get over here and help me get this finished or what?" 

Blair smiled at how sweet they were. I wonder how long this will last. 

{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}

Time passed quickly for the next six months. Blair never heard from Jim and Jim never heard from Blair. It was as it had to be. 

Each month, Blair had shown Lieutenant Jaime Avery how good he was at being a detective. His arrest rate was high. He worked a lot with John and Frank. 

The first month he was there, they found a serial killer. It took about five weeks, but they found him. That was the important thing. The FBI had been on the case and dismissed all of their ideas. So they got the collar. It had been very exciting for all of them. 

The second month they were searching for two missing children. It had been horrible. They found them, but they weren't alive. Blair still had nightmares about that case. So did John. 

The third month they had a rapist on the loose and took turns being the decoy. It took four weeks to nail this guy, but it worked out. They got him. He didn't get to hurt anyone again. And how could you pass up dressing in drag so that your co-workers could howl about your appearance all night long? When John and Blair had seen Frank dressed as a woman the first time, they almost swallowed their tongues. He was beautiful. Everyone still had to tease him about that. Blair walked up to him about two weeks after the bust and said, "Shit, I don't have a date for that dinner I'm invited to. Frank, would you go with me and wear the royal blue dress?" 

"Fuck you, Sandburg," Frank yelled as he walked out of the room. 

The fourth month, the main cases were robberies and between the three men, they did it again. Solving crimes came quite easily to them as a group. Lieutenant Avery was very pleased. 

The fifth month was a crazy month that ran into the sixth. Home invasions were a terrible crime. Sometimes they just left the people alone and others, they beat them and sometimes raped them. All of the cops knew they must be on drugs because why wouldn't you keep your MO the same? They rented a huge house and John, Blair, Frank, Jaime and Digger moved in. Digger decided he would be their housekeeper. Then they just had to hope that these idiots would hit them. 

Sure enough, they did. And they shot John and Jaime in the process. But Frank and Blair were able to take them down with one bullet each. They didn't kill them, just wounded them. 

{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}

It had been a long six months for Blair. He missed Jim like he never thought he would but Jim never called him. That hurt Blair even more. Tonight, they were all going out and Blair needed that more than anyone. 

He walked into Lieutenant Avery's office and asked, "Want to go out with us tonight?" 

"Yeah, that would be nice. I haven't gone out in a long time." Jaime got her things and joined everyone. 

They went to Digger's place and threw darts all night long. Laughing and talking could be heard all through the establishment. John once again showed everyone what it was like to lose every single time. 

"I think you cheat," Blair teased. 

"Ask Digger, he sets these weights on the darts every night," John answered. 

Jaime laughed and said, "Sandburg, we all wish he cheated, but he doesn't." 

Digger walked up and kept his distance and motioned for John to follow him. When they were alone, he said, "I have business in Cascade, so I'm going to see Jim. I'm worried about him." 

"Okay, that's a good idea, D. I'll be here when you get back." John wanted to kiss him but didn't know how everyone felt about that. 

Jaime walked up and said, "Just kiss him." She laughed all the way to the restroom. 

John did kiss him and wished him a safe trip. He was going to be lonely. He hadn't slept alone in a long time and Digger loved to cuddle. He might seem tough, but he wasn't when he was with John. 

"I'll see you in a few days. Everything's taken care of here. I'll miss you. I love you, John." There was more kissing and then Digger left. 

Blair watched a sad John come back and asked, "Where's he going?" 

"He's got company business, I guess. He'll be back in a few days." 

"Cheer up; at least he's coming back." Blair realized what he had said and got up and walked towards the door. 

Frank followed him and said, "Sandburg, why don't you call him?" 

"He said not to call." 

"And did you ever listen to anything he said before?" Frank was such a shit sometimes. 

"No." 

"Then?" Frank knew he was pushing but hoped it worked. 

"I'll call him from Digger's office. I'll ask John if that's okay." Blair took off to see if he could use the room. Once safely inside he dialed the loft number and the phone rang only once and Blair heard, "Ellison." 

There was no sound coming but breathing and Jim asked, "Chief?" 

"Sorry. I lost my nerve for a moment. How are you?" 

"Things have been better but I can't complain," Jim said quietly. "How are you?" 

"I'm doing great. This department is wonderful. Lieutenant Avery's fantastic and I really like everyone I work with." 

"Good. I'm glad to hear it. I miss seeing you around, but I'm glad you're happy." 

"What do you mean? Seeing me around? Is that how you looked at our relationship? Seeing me around?" Blair was pissed. 

"I meant at work." 

"Oh." 

"Jim, I miss you." 

"I miss you, too, but it won't work." Jim was sad again. 

"You have someone else?" Blair hoped Jim didn't. 

"No, I don't ever see anyone. It's not an option." 

"What are you talking about?" Blair was so confused he couldn't think straight. 

"I'm not going to date again, ever." 

"Jim, you can't be alone for the rest of your life." Blair was trying to talk sense into the man now. 

"I don't want to be with anyone, ever." 

"Not even me?" Blair sounded pitiful for a moment. 

"Sandburg, I don't want to hurt you. But no, not even you. I don't have a need for sex anymore." 

"Could you tell me your secret?" Blair was teasing but knew that Jim wasn't. 

"Let's talk about something else," Jim suggested. 

"How is work? How are the guys?" Blair asked. 

"Work is work. As for the guys, they're all right." 

"Jim, you don't sound very happy." 

"Well, this is what you get when you fuck around on your mate. I'm not making excuses, Chief. I'm not saying sorry anymore. It doesn't help anyhow. I'm just saying I can't ever be with you again. I've got to go. Good talking to you." And just like that he hung up. Jim had wanted to tell him all about the rape but then he knew that Blair would stay with him because he felt sorry for him and Ellison couldn't live with that. The sad man looked at the phone and wished he had someone he could talk to. He could call Dan Wolfe, but then everyone might go after him. Jim couldn't live with that, either. He was just miserable and forlorn. 

Blair held the phone away from his ear and just stared at it. What the fuck had that been about? 

He walked back to the table and John said, "Jim okay?" 

"Yeah, he's dandy." Blair was so depressed. 

"Most people have a break up or heart ache at some point in their life. You feel like the world has ended. You cry a lot and feel sad. On the bright side, time heals. As each day passes, you feel more like yourself. You will not forget the past, but you can look forward to your future. It might be time to move on, Blair." John spoke softly.

"I wanted to get back with him. I didn't want to stay apart. He told me we'll never get back." Blair got up and walked out of the bar. 

Jaime looked at John and said, "Why did you tell him to move on? You're the one that said that Jim and Blair belonged together." 

"He might want him more if someone tells him to do the opposite." John smiled. "I better get home and check on my roomie." 

"Night, John," everyone called out. 

"See you all tomorrow." 

()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()() 

Digger arrived in Cascade and got himself a small motel room. He didn't need anything fancy. That's something he learned in Special Forces, you don't need fancy to sleep. This motel was close to the station and he could keep an eye on Jim and his co-workers without anyone knowing he was here. 

The first thing he noticed was every day, Captain Banks, Detective Rafe, Detective Brown and Detective Taggert went to breakfast and lunch together. Jim was never with them which Digger found quite odd. 

Finally, on the third day, he followed them into the Chinese restaurant and sat in the booth behind them. He could hear everything they had to say. Digger got his notebook out to keep track of who said what. 

Banks: So what's up with Ellison today? He hasn't said one word. If he gets back with that little fag, we're going to have to start all over again. 

Rafe: They're not getting back. I asked him if he was going to see Sandburg and he said no. 

Brown: I think he's lonely. He has no friends and doesn't talk to anyone. It's got to be hard. 

Taggert: He chose that life, Henri. Now he has to live with it. 

Rafe: We could never do that to him again because he would know it was one of us. 

Banks: He already knows it's you, Rafe. Thankfully, I talked him out of reporting the rape. I told him that would make him look even more fem. I told him all about the talk around the station about him being a faggot. I suggested that he let it die down so that they would all think he came to his senses and wasn't a faggot anymore. 

They all laughed until they couldn't breathe right. 

Taggert: Get him in your office today and find out what he's up to. We can't have Sandburg back. 

Banks: I know you're not telling me what to do. 

Taggert: Sorry. I think you should call him into your office and find out what he's up to. 

Banks: I talked to Tommy in Homicide the other day and he said we did a good job of cleaning out the trash. 

Taggert: Well, we couldn't have that marking our record. We'd go down as the gay bullpen. I don't know about you guys, but I don't want to be called gay. 

Rafe: I totally agree. 

Banks: Having second thoughts, Brown? 

Brown: He looks so sad and I miss Sandburg, too. 

Banks: Don't let anyone hear you say that, Brown. I mean it. 

Brown: Yes, sir. 

Banks: I had someone go to his place and try to fuck him the other night, but he couldn't get it up. 

There was another round of laughter. 

Taggert: Poor baby. He best get used to women or we'll hurt him again. 

Rafe: Hell, yes! That was easy. 

Banks: Maybe we should give him a reminder. Show him who is on top of this game. 

Taggert: What do you have in mind, Simon? 

Banks: Drug him again and this time have him wake up in a strange bed with a woman. 

Brown: Why would you have to teach him anything? He's not going anywhere. He's not doing anything. He's not seeing anyone. Geeze, he's so fucking lonely. 

Banks: I do believe that Brown's becoming a fag. 

Brown: No, I'm not. I just like Jim. I miss him. This Jim isn't the old Jim. 

Rafe: Shut up, Brown. 

Banks: Who cares about the faggot anyhow? 

Brown: I do. 

They all stood to leave and didn't even notice the sad, but livid man sitting in the next booth. Digger wanted to assault all of them, so badly. Everything in its own time is what he told himself as he left the restaurant. 

He typed up the entire conversation and faxed it to Jaime to see what she had to say. He included his cell phone number and the motel number and room. 

About an hour later, the phone rang and he said, "Jaime?" 

"Yes, I got the fax. I talked to IA here and they said they would work with IA there. All of the men connected would go down, except for that one named Brown. Now, here is what I propose. You tell Jim that Blair's not doing well and needs his help. Then bring him to the office and we'll have a meeting. Everyone will be filled in on it by then. Jim has a job waiting for him. Tell Brown if he wants a job, I have one opening left. I admire the way he felt bad for Jim and stuck up for him." 

"Yeah, he seems like a nice man. We'll offer him that when the time comes. Now I have to get Jim in my car and on the road." Digger was thinking about it already. 

"Tell him Sandburg's hurt." 

"No, that would upset him too much," Digger replied. 

"Well, just keep me informed. Talk to you tomorrow." And then she was gone. 

In the bullpen, Jim was typing up some reports and Simon said, "Ellison, my office." 

"Sir?" 

"What's going on with you?" Simon growled. 

"Nothing, sir. I'm almost done with my work and was going to take off for the day, after I talked to you." 

"I've got someone I want you to meet." 

"Sir, I'm not dating anymore," Jim sighed. 

"You're waiting for Sandburg to come back, aren't you?" Simon was disgusted. 

"No, sir. He's asked to get back with me and I turned him down." 

"Well, good for you. You've come a long way. No one will say you're a faggot from now on." Simon looked proud. 

Jim looked at him with hate and disgust. "Is that all?" 

"Yes, I think so." Simon opened the door and watched him walk through it. 

Jim realized it had been six long months since anyone had spoken to him in the bullpen. He could tell that Brown wanted to but someone was telling him what to do. The elevator dinged and out stepped Digger. Jim was never so fucking happy to see anyone. 

He stood up and shook hands with him. Digger could tell that Jim was on the verge of breaking down. He didn't want him to be embarrassed, so he said, "Ask you're Captain if you can have a few days off." 

"Captain, this is Digger, a friend from Special Forces. He needs me for something for a week. Can you spare me?" Jim asked. 

"Of course I can spare you. Go. It's nice to see that Jim does have normal friends," Simon said and Digger wanted to take him out right then. 

{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}

Digger followed Jim to the loft. Once inside he pulled Jim into his arms and just held him. Jim didn't cry, he just soaked up the love and affection that he had so missed for six months. He finally pulled away and said, "So what are you doing in Cascade?" 

"I'm here to ask you if you'll come to Seattle. Blair's not doing well." 

"What's wrong?" Jim panicked right away. 

"He can't sleep. He's not eating and he cries all the time. Lieutenant Avery's worried to death about him." 

"Let me get packed and I'll follow you up," Jim said as he pulled his pack out of the closet. 

The two men talked while he was doing it and Jim almost cried, almost being the key word. Jim had to stay strong. He had missed talking to someone. He missed friends. He missed Blair. He missed loving someone and being loved. 

{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}

In Seattle, Jaime called Frank, Blair and John into her office. 

Everyone went to the conference room and sat down. Jaime walked in and said, "Sandburg, this is going to be hard for you but we need to tell you some things. You need to be strong for Jim." 

"Oh god, something happened to him?" Blair was already trying to jump up. 

Jaime continued, "Something happened to him six months ago." 

"Six months ago?" Blair asked quietly. 

Frank decided to take over for a short while. "He was raped at that conference but didn't want you to know." 

"Don't be ridiculous. I would know if he was raped, wouldn't I?" Blair said angrily. 

John decided to add something, "If a man is raped by another man, will he no longer be a man? This is a very big concern, Blair. The answer is both straight and gay men can be raped, and often the perpetrators in these rapes are straight males. So it doesn't matter if the victim is gay or not. The rapist is the one that does the deciding. A person would not become gay because of it. Sometimes, it works the other way around. Rape is a crime motivated by dominance and control, not by assumptions about the survivors' sexual orientation. A man getting raped by another man says nothing about his sexual orientation either before or after the assauLieutenant This all sounds wonderful, but unless a person gets help they'll never believe it. Right now, Jim thinks he's not a man. He thinks he's not worth having. He feels he can never be worthy of you. He has no friends. He doesn't even talk to co-workers. This is what Jim's life has been like for the last six months." 

"Oh god, he was raped?" Blair was in shock. "Why didn't he talk to me?" 

Jaime handed him the paper of Digger's reporting. Blair read it sadly. "How could they hate us that much?" 

"Well, they did. And we're going to bring charges against them all. Well, we aren't. We're going to try and talk Jim into it. He has to do this. It's important," Jaime said seriously. "You might need to help us with that part." 

"Jim's thinking that only "weak" men get raped, when in reality, both women and men in all social, economical, and racial groups are raped. This myth serves both as a psychological defense mechanism, and as a means of blaming the victim. It's our job to help him through this," John added. 

"Jim thinks he's weak?" Blair asked John. 

"Yes, he does." 

"He also thinks that men are responsible for their own rape. We all know who is responsible. He does too, but needs to be reminded. Only rapists are responsible for their acts. 98% of all rapists are men. Men can prevent rape by challenging rape-supporting attitudes and behaviors and by raising awareness of sexual assault as a people issue." John was almost ranting by this time. 

"So, Sandburg, are you ready to help us with him?" Frank asked. 

"You need to ask? I love him. I've never stopped loving him. I called him the other night to see if we could give it a try. He turned me down." Blair couldn't wait for Digger to bring his man to him. 

"We are going to offer him a job here, Blair," Lieutenant Avery said quietly. 

"You never call me Blair." 

"Well, I am today. Now do you think you can work with him?" Avery asked. 

"Yeah. I can't wait." Blair had the first smile on his face he had worn in months. 

"I've got more information about it that you might want to hear first," John said. 

"I think we all need to hear it," Blair replied. 

"It is also important to acknowledge that men are also sometimes the victims of sexual assauLieutenant They think a man could never be assaulted. Research suggests that 10-20 percent of all males will be sexually violated in their lifetimes. For male survivors of rape, it can be especially difficult and painful to seek help, and many men suffer alone." John was getting them ready for many more statistics. 

"I'm scared to death, John." Blair spoke so softly, they could hardly hear him. 

"I am too, Blair," John replied. 

"This is going to be really hard for this man. He's a strong, proud man. I believe everything has been taken away from him," Jaime said. 

"That's exactly it, Jaime. He feels like he's in this alone and he deserved it. Can any of you imagine that?" John asked quietly. 

"No," they all said at once. 

"Did you go and do some research?" Blair asked. 

"Yes, I knew that we all would need it," John said. "Frank helped me." 

"Thank you both." Blair was sad, once again. 

“We all have to be careful around him for the time being and help him through this,” John said. 

"I'm going to change many things about my actions after this," Blair said. He was somewhat ashamed about how he'd treated Jim and how he was looking at the idea of male rape. Blair knew he had to grow up and get smart. 

“Jim is going to fight this like nothing else. He doesn’t want to go through this and I for one, don’t blame him. One of the worst things you can do is push a survivor,” John said. 

"But John, we need him to press charges. It's important or they could do it to the next gay officer. It's not right." Lieutenant Avery was getting angry again. 

"So you're going to push him?" John asked. 

"No, I won't push him. But I'm hoping and praying he'll move in the direction we need him to go." 

“He's been victimized and we don't want to hurt him anymore," John admitted. 

This whole subject was so draining to all of them but they had to get it out of the way... before Jim got there. 

“You have to be patient and above all else, be there for Jim." 

"This is all very interesting, John and Frank. I thank you for doing it. Getting us ready was an important part." Lieutenant Avery said. "John, what do you think about doing a workshop once a year for the cadets?" 

"Terrific idea, Jaime. I would do it in a heartbeat. I think we could do one once every six months." John smiled thinking how much fun it would be to teach someone that thought they knew everything, that they actually don't know that much. 

"Thank you, John." Blair hugged him as they both stood up. 

"You're very welcome. He's worth it. He should be here soon. How do you feel about that?" John asked. 

Everyone in the room could see him tremble. "I'm scared to death. I only hope that I'll do this right. I want to make everything up to him," Blair replied sadly. 

Frank said, "Blair, you don't have to make anything up to him. He didn't tell you. It's his fauLieutenant He has to deal with that. Does everyone agree? Was this Jim's fault? I mean, not telling Blair?" 

"I think so too, Frank," Jaime said. 

"Well, in Jim's defense, he thought he was protecting Blair. He didn't want him tarnished or damaged," John added. 

"It doesn't matter what the reason was, he didn't tell him. Blair had a right to know." Frank was suddenly angry. 

"It might be time to move on, what do you say?" Jaime asked. 

{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}

Jim couldn't stand it anymore and called Digger on the cell phone while they were driving. "Hey, fill me in on what's going on with Blair." 

"Not until we get there. I promised John." And Digger hung up. When they drove up to the station, they both parked and Jim said, "I'm so fucking scared, you wouldn't believe it." 

Digger gave him a good hug and they walked upstairs. John was the first to see him and almost ran into Jim's arms. 

"God, it's good to see you, Jim. I've missed you so much." 

Jim wasn't expecting this and was taken aback by it. "What's wrong, Jim?" Digger asked. 

"Why are you being so nice to me?" Jim really was confused. 

"Because we all love you." John smiled and Jim found himself smiling back. It had been a long time since he'd smiled. 

Then Jim saw something odd. Digger touched John's hand as if to say hello, but not wanting anyone else to know. He turned to his friend and said, "How long?" 

Digger blushed and said, "Six months and he's wearing me out." 

John smiled and said, "Guilty as charged." 

"I didn't know that you swung that way." Jim couldn't seem to stop smiling. 

"Well, I figured if Digger could swing that way, so could I. I never would have pictured him with me." John laughed out loud. 

"Hey, Jim," Frank called out as he walked towards him. They shook hands and Frank said, "Come with me." 

Digger and John could see Jim shaking. Each of them stood by his side to give him strength. 

In the conference room sat Blair and Lieutenant Avery. Blair got up and was trying to be cool, but he ended up running into Jim's arms. 

"Hey, Chief." 

"Why don't we let them be alone for a while and then we'll come back in," Lieutenant Avery suggested. Jaime was always so thoughtful. 

Jim held on for dear life to his love. He knew it wouldn't be for long, but for right now, Blair was all he needed. Blair still hadn't said a word and didn't take his face out of Jim's chest. 

"Chief, you gonna say hello to me?" 

Blair looked up and said, "Hello. I love you. I want you. I don't ever want us to be apart again. And by the way, I'm kicking your ass tonight." 

"For what? I've been working hard and staying out of trouble," Jim teased. 

"Not even close, Jim. You're mine. It's not a fucking joke. You'll always be mine. Do you understand me?" 

"Chief, what's going on here? You know I live in Cascade. I'm not leaving." 

"Jim, you're not fucking listening. You're mine," Blair shouted and John walked in and said, "He's such a teaser, isn't he?" John then grabbed Blair and pulled him into the hallway. 

"Did you forget all of those things I told you? You were just pushing him and it was making him nervous." John walked back into the room with Blair following. 

"Sorry, Jim." Blair had his head down. 

"It’s okay, Chief." Jim sat down at the table. 

Lieutenant Avery sat down and said, "Are we ready for the meeting?" 

"What meeting?" Jim said starting to get up. 

Digger pulled him back down and said, "We're having a meeting about you. We love you and don't want to lose you." 

So Jaime started telling Jim all about knowing about what happened to him in Seattle. Again Jim tried to get up, but this time he had Blair and Digger rubbing his arms to calm him. Then Jaime told Jim about Digger and what he overheard. They passed the sheet of paper to Jim and he read it and didn't do anything. 

"Jim, are you all right?" Jaime asked. 

"I'm fine. What did you think I would do break down and cry?" Jim spat out angrily. 

Blair asked, "How do you feel?" 

"I have a fucking headache, but other than that, I'm fine." 

"So Jim, can we count on you to press charges?" Jaime asked. 

"No, I'm not. I work there. I live in Cascade. I belong there. In fact, I'm going home right now." Jim got up and John asked, "Please stay tonight. You can leave in the morning." 

"Fine, but I'm not pressing any charges," Jim said steadfastly. 

He walked out of the room and everyone knew they had lost already. 

{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}

Jim followed everyone to John's house and ended up helping John make dinner for the four of them. 

Digger came through and pulled John into his arms and said, "I love you." 

"You are such a romantic. I love you back," John answered. 

Digger looked at Jim and said, "You're wondering what he's doing with such an old man?" 

Before Jim could answer John said, "Older men can often enjoy prolonged sexual stimulation prior to orgasm and may have more control over when they have an orgasm. This can be gratifying for both partners. That's why I love the old man." John laughed as Digger smacked his butt. 

Jim wished he still had this kind of life. But he knew it could never be the same. 

Dinner went well and once it was done, Blair and Jim did the clean up. "Jim, will you sleep with me tonight?" 

"Chief, I can't. I can't do it anymore." 

"I said sleep, Jim. I want you to hold me. I want one last night of love. That's all I want. Please?" 

"Okay. Thanks for the help." And Jim went in and talked to John and Digger, leaving behind a heartbroken man. Blair knew it was neither man's fauLieutenant It was part of life. 

"Night, everyone. I'm tired." Blair walked into his room and the two other men looked at Jim questioning him. 

"What?" Jim asked. 

"You're not going to sleep with him tonight?" Digger asked. 

"No, I'm not. I'm going to hold him but that's all." Jim got up and said, "Night." 

"Night. We'll talk to you tomorrow, Jim." Digger smiled. 

"I'm leaving at dawn," Jim said casually. 

"What do you think, you're on a mission? Leaving at dawn, my ass. Get up at 6:00 and I'll make you breakfast." Digger laughed all the way to his and John's bedroom. 

"Between him and Sandburg, I can't win." Jim sighed and walked into Blair's room. 

After washing up he climbed into bed with a tee shirt and boxers on. Blair was naked. He watched him in the moonlight and knew he missed Blair more than anything but he couldn't give him anything right now. He was worthless. Couldn't fuck. Couldn't really do anything any longer. 

Jim started to rub Blair's back softly and felt Blair shifting closer. As he started to get down lower Blair let out little hitches in his breath. He then ran his hand over Blair's beautiful ass. Blair then spread his legs apart so that Jim could rub his balls and his crack. Then the oddest thing happened while he was rubbing Blair's crack. He glanced down and saw he was hard. Jim hadn't had an erection in six or more months. Blair felt it at the same time and said, "Fuck me, baby." 

Jim got him ready and flipped him onto his back and then got ready to fuck his brains out. Jim lifted Blair's legs up and pulled them around his waist and started to push inside of his love. He hadn't been there in so long. He was going to make this last. It was going to be good. And it was. Jim just kept fucking and fucking and fucking. Blair was begging for release, but Jim wouldn't let him have it. 

Jim screamed out, "You're mine." And then he started fisting Blair's cock to make him come. Jim knew that they were both ready to blow anytime. 

"I'm yours," Blair yelled as he came. Jim hammered even harder into his lover's ass and came explosively. 

After they cooled down, Jim pulled him into his arms, cleaning him off and they were asleep in minutes. 

"Well, I would say he got it up. What would you say?" Digger asked, jokingly. 

"ED is nothing to make fun of!" John said. 

"What the hell is that?" Digger asked. 

"Erectile dysfunction. Psychologists and psychiatrists are the specialists that treat psychological causes of ED, such as depression, anxiety, and relationship problems. These are all things that Jim was suffering from." 

"It's really hard getting an erection when you have to tell me things like this." Digger snuggled closer to him. 

"Well, why didn't you say so? I'll give you an erection." John did just that. Then he took care of it. 

Jim heard them talking and heard them making love. He really liked the sound of it. He had missed friends. He had missed sex. But not having Blair was like not having enough air. Maybe he would talk to Jaime tomorrow about those charges. God, he couldn't stand the thought of those men doing it to anyone else. 

They were his friends. They said they were behind him all the way. And to find out that they are the ones that hurt him was almost too much to comprehend. Jim felt funny; he wasn't sure what was wrong. Maybe chest pains. God, he was probably having a heart attack. 

Blair woke up to Jim breathing funny and said, "What's wrong, Jim?" 

"I think I'm having a heart attack." 

"Come here and let me hold you. Were you thinking about the guys in Major Crime?" 

"Yes." 

"Let go of the pain, Jim, and let me hold you for awhile. Let it out," Blair whispered in his ear. 

Jim thought Blair was nuts. But then he took deep breaths and began shake. And before long he was shaking really hard. Blair was talking to Jim, trying to calm him down as quietly as he could. But, the other men heard them. In fact, John came in at one point to make sure Jim was all right. 

"Jim, talk to us." The usual talkative John, found himself at a loss for words. He was not used to seeing an upset Jim Ellison. 

"I thought they were my friends. They weren't. They hated us all along. They hurt me to get rid of Blair. I loved them. I loved them all." Jim was so upset by this point, he couldn’t see straight. 

Digger walked into the room and said, "Okay, out. I need to talk to Jim." 

They left but didn't go far. "Jim, come here. Let me hold you. I want you to calm down right now. The problem is you probably haven't gotten angry in a really long time. You never let yourself feel enough to let go, right?" Digger asked. 

"I haven't really let go since I was a kid." Jim was starting to breathe better and getting the shaking under control. 

"That's why you're shaking so hard. From now on, let it out now and then. If something hurts, let it fucking hurt. Okay? I love you, man." Digger kissed Jim on the forehead, hugged him one more time and left the bed. "He's all yours," Digger said to Blair and he grabbed John and pulled him back to his room. 

"Again?" John asked. "You're insatiable." 

"You bitching, little boy?" Digger loved to tease him. 

"Who are you calling little?" John got into it and all Jim and Blair heard was laughter and then nice sexual sounds. 

"Jim, can I tongue fuck you?" Blair asked. 

"I think I might like that a lot." So Jim got onto his knees and put his head down on his arms. Blair got busy licking and sucking first. He pulled Jim's cheeks apart and started licking and sucking his crevice. As he moved closer to the Promised Land, he began to lick harder. Blair knew that Jim loved when he tongued him and he was going to make it last. Once Jim begged for it, Blair started fucking him with his tongue. Jim wasn't being quiet one little bit, which made it even sexier to Blair. He pulled Jim's cheeks further apart and dove in deeper with everything he had. Jim howled at that time. As he fucked Jim rigidly with his tongue, he pulled on Jim's cock and made him come with a shout. Blair's tongue got that wonderful feeling of being squeezed to death. 

"Chief, fuck me." Jim sounded breathless, making him seem more sexy than usual. 

Blair loosened him up some more and then slid in and started fucking him like there was no tomorrow. Blair made sure that Jim was hard, and he wasn't hurting him first and then he fucked him harder than he would ever fuck anyone. He was making Jim groan and grunt. Some new sounds for Blair's mental book. So he just kept it up, fucking him so hard that it was painful to Jim. But Jim didn't say a word. He let Blair fuck him as hard as he wanted to. Blair reached around to pull on Jim's cock and found it soft. 

"Oh man, did I hurt you?" 

"A little bit. But you needed to stake that claim." Jim made the excuse for him. 

Jim could hear Blair sniffling and he said, "Chief, finish fucking me. It does feel good." 

He started to make love this time. He wasn't going to fuck Jim. He was going to love him. And it worked. This time, Jim got hard and stayed hard. They came at the same time and held each other tight until they fell asleep. 

{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{} 

After Jim took his shower, he called and made an appointment with IA and Jaime. He asked her if she minded going with him. Jim knew he needed the support. 

In the kitchen John was telling Digger all about eggs. As he did he spun the egg and Digger finally said, "What the hell are you doing?" 

"A hard-boiled egg will spin. An uncooked or soft-boiled egg will not. So as you can see these aren't hard boiled." John smiled at everyone as they burst out laughing. 

"Life is never dull with you around, babe." Digger kissed him and went in to get ready for work. Blair walked in right behind Jim. 

"So what's on the agenda for today?" John asked Jim. 

"I'm going to ride to the station with Blair and I have an appointment with IA and Jaime." Jim loved seeing both of their faces light up. 

Blair hugged him and whispered, "Thank you, Jim. Thank you." 

"Does this mean that you'll think about coming to work here?" John wondered aloud. 

"I want to be with Blair. I don't want to be alone again." 

"Good. Welcome to Seattle, Mr. Ellison." John smiled and went back to spinning the eggs. 

"John, you would have to, like, boil one to get it to be hard boiled. So why are you spinning them?" Blair asked. 

"What if they were accidentally cooked before they went to the store? That would be very gross. So I like to check." Both men walked out of the kitchen, leaving John talking about rotten eggs, and their smell, to no one but himself. 

Jim couldn't find his Dockers, so he walked out wearing only his boxers and said, "John, have you seen my Dockers?" 

"Yes, I have. Did you know that 67.5% of men wear briefs instead of boxers?" John waited for an answer. 

"Where are my Dockers, John? I'll start wearing briefs for you if you just answer me." Jim was just teasing, but he did have to get ready. 

John rushed into the laundry room and got them and handed them over. "Actually, I think your body type would look better in boxer briefs. Digger wears them and I like them very much." 

"Geeze, that is way more than I wanted to hear." Jim ran into his room to hide. 

Blair looked over at Jim and laughed. "John driving you nuts?" 

"Yes." 

"He's wonderful though," Blair added. 

"Yes, he is. I love him too, Blair." 

"Good, now get ready. I'm set to go." Blair felt so good bossing Jim around again. 

"I bet you're thinking to yourself how great it is to have me here to boss around again, aren't you?" Jim laughed at the look on Blair's face. 

"Get your ass moving, big man." Blair couldn't control the laughter anymore. He was almost crying when he left the bedroom. God, it was nice to get back to good. He had missed Jim more than he ever imagined. Now he just needed to help him through this and keep him safe. 

"See you later, John," Blair called out as he left. 

"We work at the same place, Blair," John reminded him. 

"I just like to have you say that every single morning. Did you know that out of the last six months, you've had that same reply every single morning?" Blair had a big smile on his face. 

"Shut up and get to work. There! Is that better?" 

"Yes." Blair walked out the door and John grabbed Jim as he was following. He hugged him and said, "Good luck." 

"Thank you." Jim walked out the door feeling better than he had in six months. 

{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}

Blair sat at his desk and tried not to watch Jaime and Jim walk into the conference room. He knew that Jim was nervous. Hell, he knew that Jaime was nervous. John walked in, took one look at Blair's face and said, "He'll be fine." 

"I know. I just worry about him. John, I left him alone for six long months. I can't believe I did that. He was so totally alone and I had friends all around me. How can I ever forgive myself for that?" Blair was heartbroken. 

Jim came walking out of the conference room and leaned down and said, "We'll talk about it later, Blair. It wasn't your fauLieutenant I love you very much. Now work and don't worry." Jim walked back into the room. 

Jim knew that it was his fault and would have to straighten it all out tonight. Sometimes it sucked being able to hear everything. 

"He's a good man, isn't he, Blair?" Frank asked as he walked by. 

"He's the very best of men. No one could be better for me." 

"Books and friends should be few but good," John almost whispered. "It's a proverb I heard some time ago." 

"I love that, John." Blair touched his arm to let him know that it moved him. 

"I do, too. It's great. I love when John talks." Frank walked off with a smile on his face. 

"Of course, he says that today. Ask him tomorrow," John teased. 

In the conference room, four men entered and Jim immediately became nervous. He had one hand on his lap and Jaime held it tight. She knew he was nervous and maybe even scared. 

"Hello, my name is Captain Martin and this is Detective Carter, Detective George and Detective Stein. We want you to try and be calm and cool as you answer all of the questions. Remember that no matter what, we are fellow officers." 

"Thank you, Captain Martin. I'm Detective Jim Ellison. Six months ago I was raped and my Captain refused to let me file a report. I did have tests done that he's not aware of, but other than that I had no help at all." 

Carter had a notebook out and said, "So, Ellison, do you know who did it?" 

"I was drugged and don't remember. It wasn't a person, it was a thing." 

George asked, "So there was no semen in your anus?" 

"No." 

Stein asked, "So what did your Captain do when you finally went to him for help?" 

"First I asked a friend, Doctor Dan Wolfe to do some tests on me. He did and also sewed me up. I had large tears and they had to be stitched. Next, I went to Simon, Captain Banks, and told him I wanted to report a rape." 

Jim got up and got some water. He felt like his throat was going to close. 

"Detective, sit back down. Things will be all right." Martin was trying to be supportive. 

Jim sat and waited for the next question. 

Carter said, "So tell us how your Captain took the news." 

"Well, first of all I told him that I told Blair and that Blair left me. Simon was very happy about that. Then I told him that I had been raped and he told me to shut up about all of it. It was bad enough when they thought I was a faggot. He wasn't going to have them thinking one of his men was a weak faggot." 

"And you stayed at this place?" George asked. 

"I had no where else to go." Jim looked so sad, Jaime wanted to sob. 

"So you did read what they said?" Martin asked. 

"Yes, I wasn't that surprised. No one was allowed to talk to me in the bullpen for the last six months. They all gave me a look like I was damaged goods." Jim didn't look at them once the entire time he was talking. 

George said, "Detective Ellison, please look at us when you answer our questions. You didn't do anything wrong and we don't think badly of you." 

"Thank you." Jim said very quietly. He looked at all of them and saw they weren't judging him at all. 

Then Carter asked, "How long have you been in therapy?" 

"I never went. Simon told me it would leak and everyone would know. Something about only weak faggots needing therapy." 

"Surely you knew this wasn't true, Detective. Right?" Martin asked. 

"Actually, I really figured I was lucky to still have a job and one where I could have friends. I found out the friends part didn't work. But at least I was working. And no one knew about what happened to me." Jim looked like the poster boy for sorrow. 

Carter asked, "But, in all actuality, didn't they all know?"

"Yes. I didn't know about it." Jim lay his head down on the table and took deep breaths. 

Carter then suggested, "I think you should confront them. Don't give them the satisfaction of seeing you embarrassed or upset. You show them who is stronger." 

"Maybe." 

"We'll talk about it later as the time draws nearer. We need to get the charges drawn up and take statements from Dan Wolfe. Can you trust him?" Carter asked. 

"Yes, anyone could trust Dan. He's a good man and doctor." Jim hoped they would go easy on Dan. 

"Did you tell anyone else?" Martin asked. 

"No." 

"Why not?" 

"Because I had no one to tell. Just Dan." Jim was getting sadder as the day wore on. 

John walked up to Blair's desk and said, "How about some lunch, hot shot?" 

"Sounds good. I wonder if we could bring something back for Jim." 

John walked towards the room and said, "I'll find out." He knocked on the door and walked in shutting the door behind him. "Gentlemen, this big man here needs nourishment. So would it be all right if we bring him something?" 

Martin stood up and took out his wallet and asked, "Could you get us all a subway sandwich. Your choice." 

"Jim, how are you doing?" John looked at Jim's pale face and knew things weren't going easy. 

"I'll be fine. I just have to get this over with first." 

"Just remember what Aesop said, "It is easy to be brave from a safe distance." John patted Jim on the back and left. 

George said, "What the hell did that mean?" 

"I would say he's telling me this is bad, but it's going to get worse," Jim explained. 

"He's right, Ellison," Stein said. 

The first thing we want you to think about is going to a program that helps build up your self-esteem. It's called Inner Strength Training. It's important. It's mandatory and you will do it. This will give you an idea of what it's about: Inner Self; Clearer life direction, increased serenity, more patience, greater confidence. Relationships: More loving, Better Communication, Lasting friendships, more fun with others. Body: Healthier improved appearance, Pleasing physical activities, more strength and endurance. Circumstances: Better living situation, more satisfying work, improved finances, and Enjoyable recreation. 

"Do you think you can live with this program, Ellison?" Martin asked. 

"Yeah, it might help. It didn't sound stupid if that's what you're asking." Jim smiled at them. 

"Good. Glad to hear it," Carter added. 

"Lieutenant Avery said that she offered you a job. Is this true?" George asked. 

"Yes, and I accepted it. I would be insane to go back to Cascade now." 

"But you will testify, right?" Stein asked this time. 

"Yes, I meant to live and work." Jim sighed. 

"So what do you see changing right away?" Carter asked. 

"The move here will be a major one. I've lived in Cascade a long time. I thought my life would be there until I died. But I love Seattle too, so this will work. Then I got back with my SO. That's a good thing. He's very good for my soul. New job and friends will be great. Actually, I don't see anything negative about this move." 

"Good, we're glad to hear it. Now we need to go over your statement one more time," Martin said. Jim groaned. 

“So Jim was okay?" Blair asked John as they stood in line to order food. 

"Define okay," John answered. 

"John, just answer me." Blair sounded angry. 

"He was adequately, well enough. Does this answer suit you better? John answered sarcastically. 

"You sound like Spock. Geeze," Blair quipped, grinning for the first time that day. 

"I loved all of his books. They were so interesting. You can never learn enough about babies," John said with a smile. 

"Mr. Spock, not Dr. Spock. Do you love babies?" Blair asked, really interested. 

"I love babies. If Digger and I could adopt, we would." 

"Why couldn't you?" Blair was at a loss. 

"Digger thinks he's too old now. He has a child from a former marriage, so he doesn't have that pull like I'm having," John tried to explain. 

"You're getting yanked from someone?" Blair tried to say it without laughing, but it didn't work. 

"It's not just women that feel the need to have a child. My friggin' clock is ticking so loud it wakes me up at night." John smiled. 

"Man, that's the first time you've ever said friggin'," Blair laughed. 

"I'll never get a child at this rate," John laughed, too. 

"Seriously, I want you to look into it, John." 

"I will and see if I can get Digger into it also." 

The two men walked back to the station and John delivered lunch to all of them. He noticed that Jim still looked pretty pale and tired. 

Jim stood up and said, "Do you think Digger can come with me to Cascade for a few days?" 

"Ask him tonight. I'm sure he would love to spend time with you." And then John gave pouty lips to Jim that made the older man laugh his head off. 

At 7:00 that night, Jim finally walked out of the conference room. "I'm fucking hungry, Chief." 

"Well, good! We'll go and get something and take something to Digger and John. They're at home right now." Blair got his things together to leave. 

"Why don't you call them and ask them to meet us somewhere?" Jim suggested. 

"Sure." Blair called them and they agreed to meet in an hour at a restaurant not too far from John and Blair's place. 

Jim followed Blair as they walked down to get his car. 

"Chief, you mad at me?" 

"Nah, just tired." 

"Because if you're mad, we should talk about it." Jim looked afraid and Blair hated Simon Banks for doing this to him. 

"Man, I'm not mad. I'm not angry. I am, however, tired." 

"I love you, Blair." 

"And I love you, Jim." 

The rest of the drive was made in silence which scared Jim even more. God, he missed hearing Blair's voice. 

When they got to the restaurant, they all sat down and ordered right away. Jim acted like he hadn't eaten dinner in a month. 

Once the waiter brought their drinks, Jim cleared his throat and said, "Digger, do you think you can take off a week and go to Cascade with me?" 

"I already have it set up. John told me and it doesn't matter when. I pack fast and easy." 

"Wait a minute. Jim, I want to go with you." Blair was pissed. 

"IA said it would be a bad thing to have the two of us there but I felt I needed a friend in my corner. So that's why I asked Digger. We'll talk to each other every single night, Blair. I promise." 

"Fuck you. I can't believe you made this decision without even talking to me. You're so fucking selfish. I hate you." Blair then got out of the booth. Digger and John looked at Jim and could see he was going to fall apart soon. "John, take Jim to our truck and I'll get all of the food to go." 

"Come on, Jim." John helped him out of the booth. Jim acted like he was drugged or something. 

John got Jim settled in the truck and went running for Blair's car before he left, but he was too late. Shit! This is going to be hard on him. 

When Digger got back, they took off for the apartment. 

"Jim, do you think that only women get raped?" 

"Yes." 

"If you think so, you probably feel isolated and alone. And if people in our community believe that, they may further this sense of isolation on the part of male rape survivors. It's no wonder that men have a hard time coping with this." 

"No matter what was said or done or worn, no one "asks for" or deserves to be assaulted. Sexual assault has nothing to do with someone's present or future sexual orientation. Sexual assault is a crime of violence and power, not of lust or passion. Did you feel any lust or passion for the person, Jim? 

"No. I was drugged so I don't even know the person for sure." 

"Unfortunately, many doctors, nurses, and law enforcement officers do not realize that men as well as women may be sexually assaulted. This may affect the way they treat men who have been raped. Sometimes a stereotyped view of masculinity, rather than the physical assault of the crime, becomes the focus of the medical exam or law enforcement investigation. There is an old term used in the service Jim, called, dickless. Is this how you feel?" 

"Yes." Jim spoke in a whisper. 

“Unfortunately, most men do not recognize that there is a problem here, and fewer still acknowledge responsibility for any part of it. As a result, rape is seen, if at all, as a "women's issue." The impression remains that men are in no way connected to sexual assault, neither in its occurrence, nor through its effects, nor by its causes. Are we together on this, Jim?" John was done ranting for a short while." 

"Yeah, we're together on this but we have to give Blair room, too. He's having a hard time dealing with what happened to me. He won't admit it, but he's ashamed. So please don't be hard on him," Jim pleaded. 

"You got it, buddy," Digger said as he pulled into the driveway. 

"I'll be good, Jim," John said as he slid out of the truck. Jim went right for the bedroom to get Blair. He needed to eat something. "Chief, we brought dinner home." 

Blair was lying on the bed. "Jim, I'm so sorry. I don't know why I said that." 

Jim crawled up next to him and answered, "Because you're angry with me. It's all right to be angry, Baby." 

"No, it's not. I'm no better then those fuckers. God, I'm so sorry. I love you, Jim. I really do." He moved into Jim's arms and held on for dear life. 

In the kitchen Digger said, "He feels bad. Good." 

"Hey, it's a common thing to have anger after something like this." John defended his friend. 

"John, Jim was raped. It wasn't like he wanted this to happen. Then he had his life stripped away from him. You think he deserved the ‘I hate you’?" 

"No." John leaned into Digger and just stayed that way for about ten minutes. 

"Come on, we'll go and lay down." Digger led the way to their room. 

Jim and Blair were just coming out of their room, so Digger stopped. "We gonna eat or what?" 

"I'm starving. I'm sure the bottomless pit is, too." Jim kissed Blair before he could object. 

While they ate, Blair decided to clear the air. "Digger, I want you to know that I'm glad you'll be in Cascade with Jim. I don't want him to be alone. And I wouldn't be a good person to have along with him. Then he would be too worried about someone hurting me. He's funny that way." 

"We've noticed that," John said. "Being protective is using a normal use of force or dominance to protect a loved one or territory. So to us, this isn't surprising at all. It's Jim." 

Digger, Blair and Jim all rolled their eyes and John said, "You keep that up and those eyes won't come back down one of these times." 

Digger laughed and asked, "You don't really believe that do you?" 

"No, but it was fun to say it." John smiled at his love. "I know someone that needs some loving before he makes the trip." Digger got up and walked into their bedroom. 

"I guess he's talking about you, Blair. What do you think, Jim?" John teased. 

Jim chased after John, laughing. "I think you enjoyed that a little too much, man." John teased Jim some more. 

Jim leaned into him and said, "Go and love that man of yours." 

"Yes, sir." 

Jim and Blair walked to their room and undressed slowly while they talked. Once naked, Jim started getting Blair ready for the fucking of his life. And Blair was indeed ready. 

John and Digger could hear them from their room and smiled at each other. "Those sounds are really nice coming from that room. I know how lonely he was," John whispered. 

"I know. I used to feel so bad if we made too much noise. So I love hearing those sounds too. Jim is a wonderful man and I'm glad they're together," Digger added. 

Then John got busy in their room and they ended up making love four times during the night. "Are you going to be a good boy while I'm gone?" Digger asked him. 

"I'm always a good boy, but only for you." Then John added, "I love you, D. I love you so much." 

"I love you too. You're it for me, John. So don't think I'm just messing around. I mean this." 

{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}

The next day, Jaime came by to give Jim all of the paperwork for the hearing in Cascade. "Good luck, Jim." 

"Thanks, Lieutenant Avery." 

"Take good care of him, Digger," she requested nicely. 

"You know I will. Jim, you ready?" Digger asked. 

Jim gave Blair one more kiss for the road and then got in the SUV that Digger was driving. The hour long drive didn't seem to take that long because the two men talked about their Special Forces days. Before long they were laughing their heads off. 

"Jim, things will go fine. Don't let them bother you and I'll be your backup the whole way." 

"Thanks, Digger. I don't know what I would have done if you didn't come. Do you think you can go into the hearing with me?" 

"Don't see why not. I already know it all," he stated. 

In Cascade, Jim was driving and got them a hotel to stay in. "I'll run in and get the rooms," Jim said starting to get out. 

"Just get one with two beds. I don't want you to be alone," Digger reminded him. 

"Thanks, buddy." Jim went in and got a nice room and then went back out to head over to the station. 

Walking through the Precinct, Jim was teased and things were thrown at him. "Oh look, he brought his new boyfriend," one of the cops said. 

"Jim, just walk through. We have to ignore them. I'm taping it as we go. Video and audio," Digger said and Jim started laughing. It didn't hurt that Digger had tons of equipment for surveillance. These fuckers weren't going to get away with a thing. 

"I'll be good." 

"If someone hits you, let them so that I can get it on tape." Digger shut the tape off long enough to say that. Sure enough, Rafe came by and started pushing Jim around until Jim went flying into the wall. "Who are you? His boyfriend?" 

"No, I'm a friend from a Special Forces Unit. He knew he would need me for some things we have to take care of." Digger glared at him evilly. 

Rafe backed up and headed upstairs. They followed him and Rafe yelled down to Jim, "No one is going to believe that you were raped. Give it a rest. No one will believe that I stuck something up your ass. It's was a pretty big something too, but they won't know about it." 

Digger looked over at Jim and saw him losing it. "Jim, you have to stay strong. Understand me?" 

"Yeah. I'm sorry. I lost it for a moment. I won't again." 

"Don't fucking apologize. It's them that wronged you, not the other way around." 

He entered the bullpen and Joel said, "You have a lot of nerve showing up here." 

"Well, I had to come here, Joel. This is where the crime took place," Jim said calmly. 

"Crime, my ass. You had sex with someone and didn't want Sandburg to find out about it. So you made another person up. You knew all along who it was. He had a good time. He took pictures. If you know what's good for you, you'll think before you talk today." Joel walked into the conference room. 

Simon walked up and said, "You chicken shit. You had to go to another station house to say someone raped you?" 

"Simon, I came to you and you wouldn't let me file charges." Jim almost sounded desperate now. 

"Jim, grow up. You're not a baby. You're a grown man. You can take a little rough sex, just as well as any of us." 

"But you wouldn't let me file charges. That's wrong." Jim was getting mad now. 

"I didn't want everyone to laugh at you, Jim. They would have. Just like they are now. And who is this, Jim? Someone new in your life?" Simon asked sarcastically. "You love those men with hair, don't you?" 

"I'm his friend and advisor. I'm advising you to get the fuck away from him right now." Digger was pissed. He handed his fancy lap top to Jim. 

"Dig, I don't want you to do anything." 

"You're such a fucking weasel. You don't have the balls to tell anyone the truth, so you make things up. You ruined a good man's life. You're like a fucking disease and I feel like I'd catch it if I stayed here long enough. You're all disgusting." Digger walked off towards the conference room and as Simon passed him by he nudged him. 

"You're lucky he's here. I wouldn't think twice about taking you out." He stopped the tape long enough for that. He looked back and saw Jim talking to someone Digger didn't know. He walked up to them and said, "Jim, you all right?" 

"This is Dr. Dan Wolfe. He's that friend I told you about. He wants to talk to Avery about a job up there. I just gave him a card and told him to call. I would love to have him there." Dan chose that moment to hug Jim and Digger saw that he was a great friend. He wouldn't hurt Jim. 

Brown walked up and said, "Lieutenant Avery has offered me a job, but I told her that I didn't think you would want me to work with you. After all I didn't stand behind you the way I should have." 

"Henri, take the job. It's a good station. Good people to work with and you'll love Seattle. There's lots of blues clubs." Jim smiled at Henri. 

"Thanks, Jim." Then he hugged him hard. 

They all walked into the Conference room, sat down and waited for whatever was going to happen. While they waited, Dig got busy putting the tape on his laptop. He put the audio one on there too. When he was done he closed the lid and knew that he was ready. Then he took the tape recorder and camcorder and put them in his briefcase. 

Martin, Carter, George and Stein from Seattle walked into the room and Joel, Rafe and Simon looked at each other like, "Who are they?" 

"Hello, gentlemen. I'm Captain Martin from the Seattle IA Division. These are my men, Detective Carter, Detective George and Detective Stein. We'll be asking many questions as the day goes on. Sit down, everyone." And they all sat down waiting for Cascade IA to join them. 

Dan leaned into Digger and asked, "Would you put some other things on the laptop? I've got pictures of his injuries and everything else. All of the evidence. If it's all in one place I think it would help." 

"Sure, give it here. I'll do it now." Dig got busy adding the pictures and was getting more upset by the moment. It wasn't enough to demoralize him. They had to pound the crap out of him while he was drugged. He put everything he needed in there and handed it all back to Dan. "Thanks, Dan." 

"You're more than welcome." 

The door opened and Simon stood up and shook the man's hand. Jim didn't recognize him at all. "Hello, everyone. I'm Captain Crow, as in, better tell the truth, or I'll make you eat it." 

"Oh that's so fucking original," Digger whispered Sentinel soft. 

Digger got up and handed the laptop to Captain Martin and said, "This might help you somewhat." 

The four men excused themselves and left. After about 20 minutes, they walked back in. 

Captain Martin: Could we start the questioning now? 

Captain Crow: Why do you get to go first? 

Captain Martin: Because I said so. Now shut up or I'll get a goddamned judge in here. (Knowing full well he couldn't.) 

Captain Crow: Fine, go. 

Captain Martin: Captain Banks, are you going to tell us that you didn't know about the rape? 

Banks: Yes. I don't know that he even got raped. 

Martin: So, he never came to you and asked you to help him file a report? 

Banks: No, he never did. 

Martin: Did you tell him to get a doctor to look at him? 

Banks: Why would I? I didn't know about it. 

Martin: Would it surprise you to hear that he was seen by a doctor and we have all of the evidence? 

Banks: I asked him later and he said he didn't go to Urgent Care or ER. (Simon knew he had admitted to knowing and this wasn’t a good thing.)

Martin: He went to a private place and it's all documented. 

Banks: Doesn't matter. He didn't file a report, so it doesn't matter. 

Martin: Did you treat him differently when you found out that he was gay? 

Banks: No. 

Martin: You never treated him badly? 

Banks: No more so than before. 

Martin: Have you seen the fax with the conversation that took place some time ago at the restaurant? 

Banks: Like anyone could write down those things that quickly. It said that it wasn't taped. He wrote it. No way. 

Martin: What if I were to tell you that he was in Special Forces and did speed writing and code writing? So he can do whatever he wants with a conversation and then figure it out later. 

Banks: Oh, you mean his new boyfriend? Like I would believe anything he said. 

Martin: He's not his boyfriend and he's been used by the government many times to break cases. You might want to rethink your answers. 

Martin: Carter, do you wish to question Rafe? 

Carter: Yes sir. Rafe, I have a few questions for you. 

Rafe: So ask. 

Carter: Did you rape Detective Ellison? 

Rafe: (standing up) NO! 

Carter: Did you have sex with Detective Ellison? 

Rafe: No. 

Carter: So do you know how your skin cells got on his clothing, under his fingernails or around his anus? 

Rafe: No. 

Carter: Well, this is what we have so far, Rafe. You better listen up. 

Source of DNA.  
Blood or skin cells.  
Saliva, Fingernail scrapings.  
Hair, blood, or sweat.  
Skin cells, saliva, or hair.

Possible Location of DNA Evidence.   
Bite mark or area licked.   
Clothing, including undergarments worn during, and after the assauLieutenant  
Hair, blood, or sweat.   
Tape or ligature.   
Skin cells, saliva, or hair.

George: The bite marks on his back all matched your DNA. There is no question in our minds. You will be charged with rape and many other things. We just have to figure out what all there will be. 

Rafe: This is bullshit. 

Stein: NO, what's bullshit is that you all covered for Captain Banks. You're all lowlife weasels and I can't believe that this station house was running smooth. 

Martin: I have some questions for Brown. 

Brown: Yes sir. 

Martin: Did you know about the rape? 

Brown: Yes sir. 

Martin: And yet you didn't help him? 

Brown: I was afraid. 

Martin: You let them violate a co-worker and get away with it and all you have to say is you were afraid? 

Jim could hear the sounds coming from Henri and knew he was going to start sobbing if Jim didn't stop it. 

Ellison: Could we maybe go on to someone else? 

Carter: Okay, I have some questions for Captain Taggert. 

Taggert: What? 

Carter: So tell me, Taggert, did you know about the rape? Or did you try to help him in any way afterwards? 

Taggert: No, there was no rape. 

Carter: There was a rape. 

Taggert: He doesn't remember anything. That drug takes away the memory for days. 

Carter: I didn't say anything about a drug. No one has mentioned it. 

Taggert: Well, I figure that Ellison, being the wimp that he is would have told someone that he was drugged. 

Carter: He told no one. He was tested when he had the physical and pictures done. 

Taggert: Pictures? What pictures? 

Carter: And guess what? Your DNA matches to one of the sets of bite marks on his back. So you were there, too. 

Taggert: Bullshit. I wasn't anywhere near Seattle. 

Carter: I didn't tell you where it took place. 

Taggert: Well, someone must have. 

George: Do you want to hear something even more interesting? Your skin cells were on his anus too. So that means the two of you raped him. 

Taggert: I did not. 

Stein: Captain Banks, would you like to explain how your skin cells got on his anus? Did you all rape him or did some of you just hold him down? 

Banks: My skin cells are not on there. I was working that night. 

Stein: What night? You don't know because you didn't file a fucking report. 

Banks: Whatever night, I didn't do it. 

Martin: Okay, gentlemen. This is what we have so far. We have all the blood work from Dan Wolfe and the physical DNA evidence. He took pictures and they've been added to the laptop program so we can all watch on the screen. Hang on a moment. I've got to get someone. 

Martin walked out and came back with four cops from downstairs. They stood in front of the door and weren't going to let anyone out. 

Martin then hooked it up, Digger helping him get it running well and they all sat down. They were treated to the conversations from all of the men to Jim on the way up and the things said in the stairway, too. 

Crow stood up and said, "You can't use this." 

"Why not?" Martin asked. "It's not Jim Ellison's." 

"Who's is it?" Crow asked. 

"Mine." Digger stood up and glared at all of them. 

"You're the one the government asks to work for them?" Crow asked. 

"Yes sir, I'm the one." 

"Let's continue watching then." Crow sat down and told everyone to shut up. 

Simon, Rafe and Joel were on the verge of panic by that time. The tape continued showing the cruel treatment to one Jim Ellison. It also showed treatment to his friend, who was only there for moral support. 

Everyone watched the tape and then watched as the photo's came up from Dan's evidence and everyone knew they were royally fucked. 

Carter asked, "Could you turn that light on now?" And the cop nearest the door turned it on. 

Jim sat there trying to be so fucking brave but was having a hard time doing it. 

Martin: Crow, this is what I see happening. Rafe, Taggert and Banks will all be charged with aggressive and aggravated assault, one charge of rape, and slipping a drug into a drink of Detective Ellison.

Carter: Drug-facilitated rape is a crime that can put a violator away for 20 years and cost him a $250,000 fine, but if the victim does not remember the incident or doesn't go to the police in time, proving that a date rape drug was ingested becomes increasingly difficuLieutenant We don't have to worry about that because Ellison went to a doctor and reported it to him. We're going to bring charges against all of you and then Jim Ellison will be advised to sue the city for lack of training of their officers. This never should have happened. 

Crow: I'll get my men some lawyers and we'll see what happens. 

Martin: I don't think you quite understand. These policemen are going to book them and charge them. We have all of this to go on. They're going to pay for this. 

Crow: Let's get some lawyers in here first. 

Martin: Where were the lawyers when Jim Ellison needed them? Fuck the lawyers. They can get them after they've been booked and have some time to think about it. 

Crow: Why isn't Brown going to be charged? 

Martin: Brown, did you go to Seattle and help with this rape? 

Brown: No sir. 

Rafe: Yes, he did. He did most of it. It was his idea. 

Martin: He's the only one that didn't have DNA on Jim Ellison. So let's get you booked. 

Martin turned around and shook Jim's hand and said, "Go to the hotel. Stay over night, but then go home." 

"It's over with?" Jim asked sounding so tired. 

"Yes, it's over with. Hopefully, we'll not have to go to court. They're lawyer's would be nuts to take it to court." Carter added. 

Stein walked up to Jim and touched his arm and said, "Hang on a moment." He looked through his briefcase and finally found a card and handed it to Jim. "Call him. He's my cousin and he's great. He'll make sure you're well taken care of." 

"Thank you to all of you." Jim was thankful, but was still very sad. 

Jim looked at Brown and smiled and walked towards him and said, "Go apply in Seattle. It's nice there." 

Brown gave him a huge hug and then walked out of the room. Jim looked at Dan and said, "What are the chances of getting you working there?" 

"I’ll call her and see." Dan smiled and walked out of the room. 

"I'll call you from my hotel room, Dan. Thanks." 

The drive to the hotel was quiet. Digger knew when to shut up. This was one of the times. 

Once they got in the room, Jim called Lieutenant Avery and asked her if they had any openings for a Medical Examiner. She put him on hold and came back on and said, "Wow, this is Dan's lucky day. Our ME is leaving in two weeks. So Dan can have the job if he wants it." 

"Thanks, Lieutenant," Jim said softly. 

"How did it go, Jim?" 

"They arrested all of them on rape and a few other charges. There was a lot of evidence." Jim more or less filled her in. 

"I'm glad IA did the right thing. Now take care and we'll see you soon." 

Jim looked at Digger and said, "I'd love to take a walk. All by myself." 

"So who's stopping you?" Digger smiled. 

"I'll be back soon." 

As soon as Jim walked out the door, Digger sent the photo's to Lieutenant Avery to let her know what Jim had looked like. Everyone saw him when he was fine, so it was hard to believe. 

Once that was done he lay down on the bed and watched tv. He lay there watching and thinking and before long he had tears running down his face. God, he couldn't believe what Jim had to go through, all by himself, for six months. Jim opened the door and slid onto the bed with Digger and said, "It's going to be all right. I'm fine. Thank you for being here." Jim held on so tight that Digger's air felt about to be cut off. 

The two men slept like this all night long. In the morning Digger said, "If you don't want to lie in a wet bed, you best let me up." 

Jim laughed as Digger got up. He left the door open and asked, "So are we going home today?" 

"Yeah, I need Blair. I always need him but more today." Jim was so quiet it was scaring Dig. 

()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()() 

Blair had worked on two cases that morning and he was done with the paperwork. He walked into Lieutenant Avery's office and set them on her desk. Out of the corner of his eye, he saw a folder with Jim's name on it. He couldn't help it. He was nosy, always had been. He sat down and opened it up. It would be the sorriest day of his life. 

IA had faxed the proceedings and Blair read through them. He was shocked at how badly they treated his man. Then he read the good things from Brown and Dan Wolfe, and that almost made up for it. 

He flipped the page over and wondered why there was a picture of a terribly beaten man in Jim's file. This poor man was beaten so badly, you couldn't have begun to tell who it was. And then he was bitten, Blair counted about nine times. Poor thing, Blair was thinking. 

Then he flipped to the next page and saw it wasn't some poor man, it was his man. He was bitten on the front too. His chest and inside his thighs. He must have been in so much pain the day he came home to tell him his news. Blair continued to look at the pictures and saw all of the damage done to him. He saw the rape damage and it was severe. Dan must have taken all of the pictures for evidence. Thank god for Dan. 

Blair put everything back into the folder and put it back on the desk. He then walked out and sat at his desk and tried to act like his life hadn't just ended. 

John came walking in, happy as usual and said, "Looking forward to see Jim this afternoon?" 

"Sure, why wouldn't I?" 

"All right, what's wrong?" John grabbed him and pulled him into the Conference Room. 

"What? Why are you bugging me?" 

"Oh shit. You saw those pictures, didn't you? Blair, that was so wrong. Jim didn't want you to see him like that. 

"Then why did you see them?" Blair yelled. 

"I was being nosy. I saw the folder and wondered what it was. God, its horrible and I don't know what to say to you." 

"Well, that's got to be a first, John." 

"Shut up." 

"You shut up." 

"Blair, you have to treat him like you did. Please? Jim has to realize that full healing can only come from himself and therapy. It'll be smoother if he has you on his side. You both need to recognize there can be a long term impact on your lives from being raped or abused if you do not work on resolving the pain. Jim has to come to full realization that what happened to him was not his fauLieutenant He did not choose to become a victim. Help Jim be open to avenues of healing that he may not have previously considered. You both need to identify things to be thankful for in the midst of your struggling. Jim needs to realize that before he can forgive anyone else for what happened, he must first forgive himself. You both need to learn that healing doesn't mean forgetting what happened but learning to integrate the abuse into your daily lives. You both need to give yourselves time to grieve. Hopefully, Jim can recognize there is healing in reaching others. He could carry the message of healing to other survivors who are struggling. Blair, I have this all written down for you. You both need to do these things." 

"It's going to be so fucking hard." 

Frank walked up and said, "Why the long faces?" 

"No reason." John said. 

"Oh fuck. You looked at those pictures of Jim, didn't you? You both suck. You violated him." Frank stormed off and went down the stairway. 

"He's right. I'm as bad as the others." Blair laid his head down on his desk and Lieutenant Avery called him in to her office. 

"Yes, ma'am?" 

"Blair, someone went through Jim's file. I'm hoping it wasn't you." 

Blair sat down hard and looked as sad as he was filled with shame. "I'll write up my resignation right away. I've violated Jim as much as those monsters did." 

Jaime said, "Blair, it's all right. But now it's making things harder. You didn't see him until he was all healed. Now pull yourself together because Jim is here." 

"What?" 

"He's there." And she pointed. 

"Jaime, could I use your office to talk to him?" 

"It's Lieutenant Avery and yes, you can." 

"Thanks a lot, Jaime." Blair called Jim into her office and she realized she shouldn't even bother arguing with him. He was just like Doe. 

"Hey, Chief." Jim had a smile on his face. 

"Jim, I need you to sit down." 

"Why? What's going on?" Jim was scared now. 

"Jim, you aren't going to want to stay with me after what I tell you." 

"Chief, I never want to leave you. I never want you to leave me. Please?" Jim had a pleading tone to his voice. So he told Jim what he had done and had seen. He watched Jim's face and waited. 

"So what is the bad part? Chief, I have a copy of the pictures. I was going to show you tonight. Just in case it goes to court. I didn't want you to be shocked." Jim seemed so calm about it. 

"How can you be so fucking calm?" 

"I'm not fucking calm. I'm terrified all the time. I'm sad all the time. I'm afraid you'll leave me all the time. Some days I don't want to go on. What would you like me to do? Scream at the top of my lungs?" Jim was finally winding down. 

"Yes." 

"When we're out of here. This is work," Jim said as calmly as he could but Blair could see he was on the verge of breaking in two. 

Blair stood up and walked out of the room and found Lieutenant Avery. "Do you think it would be possible if we take off today?" 

"By all means. Set up some sessions while you're out and about," Jaime suggested. 

"Okay." 

He walked back into her office and said, "We're off for today. Come on. We're both going to go and scream." 

Jim got into Blair's SUV and got ready for the lecture. All he did was give him the paper with the notes from John. Jim read them and looked at Blair. "This is all you're going to say on the matter?" 

"I love you so much, Jim." 

That did it! Jim started shaking so Blair pulled over in a deserted parking lot and held on to him. "I love you, baby. I love you so much." Blair just kept saying it while Jim tried to get himself together again. 

"Chief, they not only hurt me, but they hated me. They fucking hated me. They were my friends. I loved them for years. And they were so angry at me yesterday, it was unreal. Now they'll all go to prison because of me." 

"Whoa. Hold on, buster. They'll go to prison because of something they did. They're assholes and we're not letting them get away with it. Understood?" Blair was angry. 

"I knew you'd be mad at me." Jim sounded like a child when he said it. 

"I'm bossing you, baby, not angry. You know how I love to boss you. I love you with all of my heart and I'm not angry." Blair kissed him. 

They went to the house and Jim lay in Blair's arms all afternoon and evening. Blair never left him once. John and Digger brought in meals and checked on them from time to time. 

"Chief, can we get out own place pretty soon?" 

"Yeah, I say very soon." Blair kissed him and then the kiss grew into more and before long Jim was making love to Blair. He didn't think he'd ever be able to get it up again but there it was, sticking up, hard and proud, and Jim was fucking proud to put it in Blair's ass. 

{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}

**Two Months Later**

"Ellison and Sandburg, could you come into my office please?" Lieutenant Avery asked. 

They walked in and saw Captain Martin from IA and Jim stiffened in his walk. 

"Calm down, Ellison. Everything is over with. Sit down so I can tell you what's going on." Captain Martin wished to be heard. 

Both men sat down as well as Jaime and Martin said, "First of all, there won't be any trial. They pled guilty to all of the charges. Rafe will be doing 20 years, with parole in 9. Banks will do 20 years with parole in 9. Taggert will do 15 years with parole in 7. The city has advised me to offer you a lump settlement. If you don't think it's enough, then you get a hold of that lawyer and let them take care of it. This is the figure they had in mind. It's for suffering from all three men and lack of support from IA in Cascade." 

Jim looked at the paper and he smiled and said, "This is fine." 

"Maybe you want to discuss it with Detective Sandburg." Martin suggested. 

Jim handed the paper to Blair and Blair smiled. "It's fine." 

Jaime walked over and said, "Want a third opinion?" 

He handed the paper to her and she smiled and said, "It's fine." 

Martin laughed and said, "They didn't think you would settle for this low amount. You could go for more." 

"No, I want it over with. Thank you for everything." Jim stood up and shook hands with him. 

"Here's your check. Good luck with your new life. You deserve it." He walked out the door smiling. Rarely did he get to do things that were good. 

{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}

On the drive home to their own apartment, Blair said, "So what do you want to do with your money, big man?" 

"I'm going to buy Digger and John a house by the beach, I'm going to get Frank a house, too, Dan also, Lieutenant Avery needs a condo, Henri a condo and for us, we're going to get a huge house in case we get some kids." 

"I like that." Blair smiled. 

"Thank you, Blair." 

"For what?" 

"For loving me." Jim smiled at him and Blair melted. 

"There is nothing I would rather do." 

"Good." 

"Let's go tell our friends the good news," Blair suggested. Jim drove and started to sing 'You Gotta Have Friends.' Blair smiled at him and realized that song was made for them. 

The End 

 

Author's Acknowledgements: Thank you to Mary and Lyn for the beta.


End file.
